To be more specific: plain old humdrum fruit flavored hard candies. Strawberry and orange and lemon. Just blocks of sugar with a vague fruit like subtext. Those fucking things.

I didn’t think it was going to be this hard to find them. But for literally a decade now I haven’t seen them at any grocery store, or at Target, or even at the overpriced candy store at the mall.

I’m pretty sure it’s because nobody else likes them. I’ve had the same problem finding Charleston Chews. Yes, I know I have the dessert tastes of a fucking 80 year-old. I also like Werther’s. You got a problem with that?

Anyway, turns out the new Lidl in Parole sells my old person candy, so I finally have a steady supply without having to spring for a bulk pack of nebulous origin on Amazon.

Naturally, my kids decided that NOW they like hard candy, too, so I had to buy a second bag to hide for myself. Don’t tell them.