…I don’t have any nostalgia for my adolescence.

Thank the lord, man. I can’t imagine what kind of freak actually looks back on the aughties and goes, “Wow, what a great decade, wish we were there again.”

You look back wistfully on the ’70s and ’80s? Alright, fine, I’ll grant you that the music and movies were good even if our political scene was rancid. The ’90s – cool, they had even more awesome music and the movies were getting bigger. Plus, even though politics still sucked there was at least a foot in the door for some semblance of progressivism. And who can forget Classic Internet? That had some novelty.

And you want to skip ahead to the ’10s – sure, you’re getting into Trump town in the back half and that whole thing was a sore-riddled donkey dick, but you’re also talking about legalization of gay marriage, guaranteed coverage despite pre-existing medical conditions, and EDM going full-on mainstream. Music has never been better or more accessible. Zoomers want to get wistful about their childhood when they get to my age, fine by me. Y’all will have plenty to look back on fondly. (I mean let’s be honest, US politics are now and have always been utter shit, nobody’s gonna get a pass on that until some more Boomers go away so we can fix things.)

But the ’00s? Fuck that shit. Fuck it straight to hell.

You’re talking Korn and Limp Bizkit blaring in one ear while everyone else was cranking it to hyper-jingoism in the other. Eight fucking years of Bush, 9/11, the first half of that shit war, the Great Recession, and the worst fucking comedy we’ve have ever had. It all sucked, just a bunch of mean-spirited edge lords who are all trying to brush that shit under the rug now, or the goddamn Blue Collar Comedy Tour. The aughties gave us Larry the Cable Guy, for chrissake.

And the movies, my god. I’ll grant the back half of the decade got pretty good, but the turn of the century gave us a steaming pile. No movie made between 2000 and 2005 looks even half as good as movies made before or since. Remember how the Scorpion King looked at the end of The Mummy Returns?

The aughties fucking sucked and even right now in the middle of a pandemic the world is still a better place. Fuck that time, man. Good fucking riddance. If I looked back and honestly thought “those were the good ol’ days” then my life right now would really have to be absolute shit.


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