…I gave up on Christmas decorations.

That doesn’t sound like a victory, but it really is. Because the truth is, I don’t give a shit about Christmas decorations, and I don’t want to work that hard at them.

So when I walk through the neighborhood and realize my house is pretty meager compared to the 24 hour light shows left and right, I no longer feel inferior. Instead I feel like I’m going to go to sleep without thinking a second longer than I have to about it.

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…we’re having pizza for dinner.

This week is going to be absurdly busy. I’m expecting to have virtually no free time each evening. As in, I won’t be home from work until right before bedtime for the kids, so I’m going straight to nighttime rituals.

So we’re doing pizza takeout for dinner tonight. We do this often, but the difference tonight is that we have a good excuse. It’s guilt free takeout. Fuck you, credit card – daddy’s gotta rest.

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…I’m okay with crashing and burning on NaNoWriMo this year.

Technically I have time left, so I haven’t failed yet. But let’s be realistic, I’m not getting from my current 12,000 words to 50,000 before the 30th.

The first week went alright. I had a schedule going and it was gradually getting better. Then…. I don’t fucking know. Kids starting waking up absurdly early for no goddamn reason. Extra bullshit came up that I had to work on at 6:00 AM instead. Take your pick, life just decided my plans were pointless yet again and I simply have not been in a place to set aside time since.

I got miserably depressed when I couldn’t keep my schedule, even my shitty one that only yielded like 20 minutes of actual writing time a day. I’m still pretty pissed about it.

But I’ve made peace with the NaNoWriMo thing. That’s just an arbitrary deadline. It’s a gimmick. I never cared about that as much as I did actually writing again.

And I did, at least a little. It’s not much, but if I can get the same amount done on a month to month basis, I’ll be finished with this book well within a year. And that’s the pace I want, anyway.

So what the hell am I bitching about? I didn’t get to stress out 300 words at the worst time of day to meet an entirely nonsense goal set by other people who are neither publishing my book nor paying me? No big deal.

I’ll find another way. Saturdays seem like a good time to write.

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…my office gave us a paid day off.

Veteran’s Day has always been one of those lame lip service holidays where all our institutions say “thanks” out loud but don’t actually do anything to improve the lives of the people it’s meant to celebrate. All they really do is close the post office. So, that sucks. (FWIW, I think Veteran’s Day should be an annual deadline for Lockheed Martin and all the other ghouls to finish building the useless war jet projects they started in January, and if they don’t finish, all their money goes to a tax-free cash payout to veterans.)

My office at least does one step more and actually gives us the day as a paid holiday. I’m using it to get my Covid booster, which is literally the least (and yet, paradoxically, the most) I can do to help out all my fellow citizens today, veteran or not. And who knows, maybe I’ll do some grocery shopping or some cleaning while my kids are at school.

Parenthood is when a day off becomes exciting because it makes doing chores slightly easier.

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…I have a more clear sense of direction for the book I’m writing.

I’m not nearly as far along with it as I need to be to keep up with NaNoWriMo’s arbitrary goals. I’m only at about 6,000 words instead of the roughly 12,000 I should be by now. But who cares. Focusing on word count is the worst way to write.

The thing that matters is I’ve taken my ambiguous half-thoughts and extended them out into a basic skeleton of a story, so I am no longer meaninglessly rambling and am instead actually writing again. It’s the best feeling I know.

Hopefully I’ll have the ending figured out in another week or so. It’ll be fun puzzling that out.

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…my kids still think I’m cool enough to hang out with.

I don’t know how much longer I’ll get to ride that wave. The affection is going to dry up eventually.

I’m too goddamn busy. Yesterday they wanted me to go on “an adventure” with them and I had to cut it short in order to wash all the laundry that had been piling up while our machine was fucked up (see this week’s prior posts). Life’s really cruel like that.

Today I’ve got some time to bask. We’ll probably just mess around with Lego and cartoons. I hope that’s what they remember most when they get old enough to choose whether or not I stay in their lives. And I hope I’m wise enough to just trust them instead of projecting all my fears of irrelevancy and failure.

I think we’ll be okay. They like Lego, and I have literally never been cool. I’ve got no ego to boss me around.

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…I was successfully able to wake up early again.

I’m trying to be up at 5:30 every day this month so I can get an extra hour each day to work on NaNoWriMo, since lord knows anything after the kids are awake is a shitshow.

5:30 is too fucking early for any human being to be awake. People who are up that early naturally should not be in charge of anything.

So far the earliest I’ve been able to drag my ass out of bed has been 6:00. So I’ve really only been getting like 30 minutes of writing in the morning. But… I have been up by 6:00 for three consecutive day, so that’s something. Gotta start somewhere.

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